crazed ninjas anonymous

Saturday, April 22, 2006

A New Post-- By Request

So I'm writing this post simply because a pretty girl told me that I should. So I'm doing it. It's funny to be writing late at night, I can't really think of anything to say, and at the same time I can't really think of anything not to. Life has been fine lately, moving craziness aside. It is beginning to hit me that May will be my last full month in Waterloo before I leave. I hope to come back for school next year, possible to UW. I'm thinking religious studies. I've always enjoyed debating theological stuff, although debatably, it's not so much the debating itself that I enjoy as it is winning debates and wowing the heck out of people. In either case, I'll be happy to be back east again. I'm going to miss everyone and everything here so much. Especially the pretty girl mentioned at the beginning of this post. It's going to be hard go. Such is the cross I am called to carry. It will undoubtedly be painful. It is strange to see something and feel nostalgia rather than familiarity. I rode my bike down a trail that a buddy and I found back in 2004. I distinctly remember the first time we rode on that trail; it was one week before I went for my black belt test. The trail goes under Lexington Road, which is on a bridge over the creek. Farther downstream from the bridge, there's a place where we would just spend an afternoon bumming around, occaisionally trying to boil tea in a tin can over the open fire. Last time we did that we got chased out by the fire department. I digress. But anyways, I was feeling kinda down and out last Friday night and decided to bike down there. Sitting on a park bench, it really began to hit me how attatched I really am to this place. Don't get me wrong, I don't think emotional attatchement to a particular location is an altogether bad thing. However, it hurts like hell to leave. I am constantly told that I'll make new friends there. I believe this is true, but part of me doesn't WANT new friends. I love the people I know here. God help me, I'm holding on so tightly to that which I cannot have. However, I've resolved to enjoying my final month and a bit over a half with everything I've got. Every moment with my friends, every hour with my girl, every breath of crappy Waterloo air as I jog down King. I'm learning to thoroughly enjoy the time I've been given. It's weird to hate it all and love it at the same time. I'm exciting and scared all at once. Where will life take me? Who will I be? Will I ever be able to afford a good tattoo? (sorry I couldn't resist.) Questions we all ask at some time or another. Hopefully we can all find some decent answers. I leave you my wishes for your best luck in finding your answers. Leave me your comments in return.

Sunday, April 16, 2006


Human existence is hopelessly riddled with desire. Desire is something experienced on a day to day basis by each and every person living out their existences on this rock called earth, driving, compelling, pushing people to farther and crazier ends than imagined by others to fulfill their desire(s). But what desire drives people? What desire makes people get up in the morning? What desire makes people do the insane things they do? What desire, when left unfulfilled, drives people to suicide?

It seems that every day people are seeking, primarily, the approval of those around them. All they want to hear is "job well done." We want to feel essential; special; necessary for anything at all. We slave every day, not simply to get a paycheck at the end of the month, but to "make something of ourselves." Granted, there are those who struggle just to survive and who endure agony simply to feed themselves (enter heirarchy of needs... i won't go off on a tangent right now though.) Even in such a situation, however, the underlying need just to be someone. We want to experience, not merely desire, but to be desired. We want love. Simple love that tells us that we are more than what we do, and that who we are is not a function of what others tell us. We want peace; we want desprately to be safely held, and to know what it's like to be secure. We want attention. We want to be significant. We want purpose outside of our 9-5 clocktime controlled existences that threaten to smother every ounce of our strenght, to know what it's like to be free. We want to be free from the voice that speaks from deep, "you're worthless." "you're a mistake." "you'll never amount to anything." "you're unnecessary." (i reiterate for effect) "you're worthless." We want so badly to HAVE the affirmation of others without NEEDING it. We wish to be loved for who we are, not for what we have to offer.

This desire, this deep hunger for security, drives us to ridiculous ends. I read Nouwen's "Life of the Beloved" last month, and he suggested that the AIDS problem is a message being sent out that says, "it is better to die than to live lonely and unwanted." This could very well be true. Many of us endure some kind of pain or sacrifice simply to be told that we belong. It confuses us; we want independence and autonomy so badly, yet we want to be held and be secure just as much. It confuses me anyways. I leave you my thoughts. Leave me your comments in return.