The Latest...

An update to this blog was requested by this drop-dead gorgeous girl that I know, and I really can't help myself when it comes to that kind of thing. So again, I find myself writing a blog just because she told me to. It's a wonderful system; in fact, I highly reccomend it.

Life goes on as usual; I shall be finished with school soon, and then I shall begin my packing. I realized that I have exactly three weeks as of today until I leave. Next Tuesday I go to Iara's athletic banquet; the Tuesday after that will be the end-of-year party at youth; the Tuesday after that, I will have left. The thought of it sort of mellows me out; sometimes I am simply overwhelmed with nostalgia as I walk the familiar routes to the store, to a friend's house, etc. Yes, it will be nice to get out and explore something totally new; but on the same token, it hurts like hell to leave. You never fully realized how attached you are until you have to let it go. I will definitely miss this place; I will miss my favorite biking trails and walking paths; I will miss the Rec Center; I will miss Chapters with that bloody Starbucks where I've wasted so many Saturday afternoons; I will miss the ten hours a week that I should've spent doing homework but used for Jujitsu instead; I will miss our crazy dojo. The kids from Jujitsu threw me a farewell party on Sunday night. It was a really special time. One of the student's fathers barbequed hamburgers, and over dinner, we played Jujitsu/Dojo/Brahm trivia. They also had a surprise for me: there was a row of approximately fifteen balloons attached to the mantlepiece in the basement, and I was told to pop them all, with one of them designated to be popped last. Using Sensei's pocket knife, I stabbed the first one open. (I actually used an assortment of knife strikes to pop the balloons. It was a lot of fun.) As the first one popped, a wad of cash fell out. As I continued popping the balloons, more and more money kept falling out. In the last one was a note writting by Laura assuring me that I will be missed, and telling me to use the money to come back for a visit. I am hoping to come back sometime in August, possibly for Iara's and my six-months. I can come back and party and get some training done with my Shinki Ryu friends. It will be a good time.

I think my parents think there's something wrong with me; more specifically, I think they think I'm depressed. Well, maybe not my mom. But I think my dad thinks/knows so. I'm pretty sure I'm verging on depressed. Not in any serious way, just mildly. Not as much as a lot of people think/though that I am/was. I was depressed fairly seriously in March; it was mainly my jujitsu friends who noticed and helped. Sensei gave me a decent talking to about my attitude, I apologized to everyone for being an ass-hat. They forgave me, and I proceeded to have a really awesome couple of weeks, just enjoying life. I guess I've just mellowed out significantly over the past few months. With the move being really, really close, I am feeling a profound sadness about leaving.


Black belt testing is on Saturday, and there is a few of us going for shodan in iaido. (for the unindoctrinated, that means blackbelt in swordfighting.) I am not so much nervous as I am excited. I am excited to see all of my Shinki-Ryu Jujitsu extended family again; I am excited to get another piece of paper saying I kicked butt. I am excited to wear a dress. Yes, I just said that I'm excited to wear a dress. For swordfighting, we are required to wear Japanese trousers called hamama. They are extrememly baggy pants. My pair is a little bit long, so I find myself tripping in them when I try to walk. I thoroughly enjoy them. Tying them, however, is another story.

I have nothing left that I am currently inclined to discuss with you, my dear reader. I trust this post satisfies curiousity. I apologize if it does not do justice to all mentioned.

Let the Weekend Begin

Gone is another week. Here comes another weekend of chores, fun, and some amazing good times! Well, hopefully. Yesterday was good, I can't really think of what I did... oh yeah, I did school and papers. A buddy took me out for Boston Pizza. We went earlier in the afternoon to beat the rush, so everything was pretty relaxed. We got our food quickly, and the waiter hung out and talked with us for a bit. Then I visited Iara and hung out with her for a bit, then went to my friend Steve's to watch a movie. We watched "Fight Club." I highly reccomend it, well, to the guys anyways. Today went well; I had the house to myself all morning, so I got a decent amount of work done. I finished reading "Much Ado About Nothing." I am finding myself actually enjoying Shakespeare. The guy was a bloody genius. My friend Kevin says there was no actual guy called Shakespeare; he says that it was just a bunch of drunks in a bar who wrote out miscallaneous dialogues on loose paper that they found, then compiled them into plays. I told Kevin that I thought that he was retarded. I though he was probably right, but retarded nevertheless. Aside from school, i really haven't been doing much reading. As I previously mentioned, a little while ago I started "Hope in Hell," which is a book about MSF (aka Doctors Without Borders) I'm not quite sure where the book went, to be honest. I think it's by the couch. I could look, but I'm really much too lazy and tired right now. So I write on. As far as today/Friday goes/went, it was all around good. I finished schoolwork/newpapers then headed over to Iara's place, where she made me rice pudding. If you ever get a chance, my dear reader, ask Iara nicely to make you rice pudding. You will not regret it in any way at all, except for maybe the stomach ache that you will enjoy after eating far more than is healthy for your digestive system/intestinal tract. Yes, rice pudding. I could repeat those two word for hours and days upon end... "rice pudding..... rice pudding.... ". I apologize. I am rambling rather severely. Tomorrow is promising; I have been "suspended" from Jujitsu class; my friends there are planning a shindig for me, and they want me out of there on Saturday so that they can plan it without worrying about me finding out too much about it. So anyways, they don't want me there. I intend to sleep until/past noon. I should probably do my chores so that I can get my allowance, then Iara will be helping me pack my stuff. Then, I dunno what the rest of the day holds. I will possibly seeing "Da Vinci Code" later in the evening with a bunch of other people. I have been looking forward to seeing that movie, despite it's getting generally pasted at Cannes.
In any case, I am going to end this post here before I exhaust my readers. Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

a beach in Winnipeg.

Rantings of a Lunatic

I've never understood those people who just swear into cyberspace hoping to make their problems disappear. I've never understood the logic behind this practice. However, I'm sure it feels really awesome to throw your feelings onto the computer for the readers. So I'm giving it a go.

I am yearning for something more in life. Waterloo, although a wonderful place, is slowly starving me of adventure or novelty. It's a great place and everything, but I know it by heart. That's why it's so hard to go. This place has been my home for a good ten years. But because of this, it is nearly overfamiliar. I know every place that I can go to hang out. I know all the trails. I've walked every path, peed on every bush. (sorry, i couldn't help that one.) But the point is, I know this place far too well. I need something new.

Youth will soon be over. So many people are moving on next year. Most of the guys I went through youth with will be gone. I will be gone. Many people are leaving/have left the church. I am having a hard time holding on to the core that we as a church hold on to and revolve around. It is so easy to get caught up the the weekly and yearly cycle that we forget that it is all about living every day passionately for Christ. I wonder if that is why so many Christians end up depressed and seemingly disillusioned; we forget that it is not about us, but all about Jesus, and about following Him in every circumstance. But it is hard. I guess we all experience spiritual growing pains as we come into maturity. We are all put to the test of where our hearts are set. Do we live for ourselves and for our own comfort, or do we live for God's Kingdom, and for the best which is yet to come? Do we really believe that there is more than this life? Do I?

The countdown until the big move is at less than a month. I am going to miss everyone here terribly. There is one person here in particular who I have a hard time going a few days without seeing, much less than months on end. Yes, it will be good to get somewhere new. However, it will be incredibly difficult to say goodbye. It will be painful. I think that packing will be the hardest part. My girlfriend said she'll help me pack my stuff. It will an immense comfort to have her company while I do this task.

In any case, if I write for much longer I will lose all hints of coherence. I will write more later.

Update ....'n'.... stuff.....

So I've been wiled once again into writing everyone an update. It's been about a week since I wrote for everone last; yes, a whole seven days. It's been an ok week, complete with school, youth and jujitsu. School is going well; I am hoping to be finished in early June. "Freakin lucky!" exclaims Napoleon Dynamite. No, Napoleon. Lucky I am not. Why? Because as soon as I am through with school, the packing begins. Oh my. I will have a fairly decent amount to pack up. I will possibly just wait until a week or so before the event and just throw all my junk into a few refrigerator boxes. I will then proceed to slide the boxes out of my bedroom door and down the stairs, and finally out the front door and onto the truck. Yes. Yes, this will be my plan.

We in Canada are just finishing up our May24 weekend where we celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday; us from Trinity went up to Paris, Ontario for Pitch 'n' Praise. We arrived there Friday evening, set up, then went to the first session. The sessions were essentially church services; there was music, worship, and a speaker. The music was fine, but the speaker got annoying. He was constantly shouting and shaking his fists. I don't know, maybe that style of rhetoric is more popular in America. The message itself was fine, but it was obscured by a faulty, noisy medium. But as a whole, aside from the freezing cold, the event went well. Spent a lot of time with my girlfriend. I also spent some time with my old buddy Trev. I've known Trevor for a really long time... I remember him coming to my sixth birthday. It was nice to hang out with him.

To be honest, my life has been a confusing mess lately. I feel like someone ripped open my brain and threw a pile of firecrackers in then lit them then shut up my brain and now they're all going off and screaming past my ears and exploding behind my eyeballs. (I love fireworks. I blew up a bunch of fireworks with the guys for Victoria Day.) But anyways, I've felt confused and tired and beat up and worn out and all around crappy. I've lost all passion and the fire inside that used to illuminate everything I did seems to have gone so cold. I hurt inside. I hurt terribly. I'm not entirely sure what is wrong with me. Is anything at all wrong with me? I don't feel alive like I wish I did. Maybe once I'm gone everything will clear up. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up and know exactly what and why all this is happening in me. Maybe it's just growing pains; maybe I'm becoming someone so much more than I ever have been. It's my prayer that such is the case.

Anyways, I am exhausted. It has been a good, crazy, freaking cold long weekend, and I can't wait to hop into my bed and forget about it. Hope you are doing well, hey, feel free to drop me a line.

Life

crappy pic of me from the winter ->

A new week. The week always starts with Monday. I really hate that. Why does the week always start with Monday? I probably sound like a whiny wage-slave who is tied to a pathetic schedule of work with no fun going on at all; maybe it's because I am. I don't actually have a job; I'm a grade-11 highschool student who is sick and tired of bumming around with education and just wants to be out in the world enjoying it. When I arrive out west, my priorities will be to find a decent martial arts school, a church, and a job. Hopefully I will develop my earning power to the point of being able to fly back to the 'Loo and K-Town to visit from time to time. I want to come back and continue my training in Shinki Ryu. It would be a shame to have thrown myself passionately into something for a good six years only to give it up and have so much of it go to waste. Of course, even if I don't continue in the martial arts, I will still posess the values of honour, discipline and respect that have been instilled in me through my training. However, I would still like to remember for the rest of my life how to kill a man with my bare hands. Just joking. Actually not. :-p

There is really nothing new to let the reader in on. I went to Relay for Life on the weekend, that was good fun. It was nice to know that, although nobody actually walked around the track, we were raising money for a worthy cause. The tents were soaked, but nobody slept anyways. All in all it was a decent weekend.

So that's been my life lately. Nothing too exciting, nothing too dull. Hope you have a great week.

Hmmmm.....

Boxes piled to the ceiling; bare spaces on the wall where pictures used to hang. Realizing that every moment I ever spent in this place was leading up to this moment. It makes me realize how precious every moment spent here with people i love really is. Time is like dust slipping through my fingers. The tighter i try to hold it, the more gets away. Just enjoy it while you can; soon it will be gone. Every time you're with someone, think, what would i tell this person if it's the last time i'll ever talk to them face to face? "Goodbye?" "Thank you?" "I love you?" Choose the way you spend your time with care and love, realizing that eternity lies ahead of you, without forgetting that each moment is in itself unique.

Brahm's Life in General as of Late

It's been an okay week. Nothing too horrible has happened, nothing too wonderful has happened either. Oh, the mediocrity of my existence. Or at least of my week. Jujitsu went well on Monday, Shawn was there to train with, which made the evening a lot more interesting. I haven't seen or trained with Shawn for a long time... he used to be a regular at our dojo, but nobody had seen him for awhile. It's nice to have him back, and to have someone willing and able to train hard.

Tonight I started reading "Hope In Hell: Inside the World of Doctors Without Borders." I bought the book a few months ago, but I'm just getting to reading it now. I'm about twenty pages into it, and am thoroughly enjoying it. It is fascinating to see people leave their comfortable western lives to work in the world's most dangerous areas. I am looking forward to reading more and hearing about the motives behind these doctor's actions. The book is by Dan Bortolotti. See www.danbortolotti.com for more by the same author, and www.doctorswithoutborders.com for more about the organization itself.

The day of the big move is quickly approaching. I have seen a few pictures of the house to which I am moving... it is a beautiful place. I will have my own room, and there will be a firepit in the backyard. However, I am torn apart inside to leave this place. I have lived here for what seems like an eternity, and I suppose I am still in love with the area. I will miss my old friends; I will miss my jujitsu club; i will even miss this dump of a neighborhood. I will miss my girlfriend terribly... it hurts to be away from someone who means so much to you. Some would/have advised me that it would be best to break up here, forget about it, and just carry on there. I told them in Christian love to go to hell. Not really... i just didn't take their advice. The truth is, any girl that I could possibly end up with out west just would not be her. I risk sounding cliche by saying that she's the only one I want, and nobody else. I should start packing soon... I really don't want to... I'd much rather just leave it until the last minute and just deny that all this is happening in the meantime. It's a horrible idea, but I'm tempted to do it nonetheles. It will be interesting to adjust to a new area and even probably a new culture... there will (hopefully) be many new things to see and cool people to meet.

As for the rest of the week and the weekend, it promises to be interesting. Tomorrow morning I am going to mass with Steve and another guy named Grant, and then we are going to Mel's Diner for breakfast. It will also be my girlfriend's 17nth birthday... HAPPY BIRTHDAY IARA! I have tried to find the perfect present... i thought of it, then went out to buy it, but there was nowhere that had it in stock... but i will find the perfect birthday present. There will also be Relay for Life tomorrow through Saturday. That will be a fun and exciting event... Iara and all her friends will be there, and it will also be our (mine and Iara's) three-months. In the meantime, I wil probably spend some more time reading blogs and web-surfing until I lose coherence and/or sanity. I bid thee farewell, dear reader.

Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own by U2

Tough, you think you’ve got the stuff
You’re telling me and anyoneYou’re hard enough
You don’t have to put up a fightYou don’t have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches For you tonight
Listen to me nowI need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone
And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
We fight all the timeYou and I… that’s alright
We’re the same soul
I don’t need… I don’t need to hear you say
That if we weren’t so alikeYou’d like me a whole lot more
Listen to me now I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone
And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you when I don’t pick up the phone
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
I know that we don’t talk
I’m sick of it all Can - you - hear - me – when – I -Sing, you’re the reason I sing
You’re the reason why the opera is in me…Where are we now?
I’ve got to let you know
A house still doesn’t make a home
Don’t leave me here alone...And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you that makes it hard to let go Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
Sometimes you can’t make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

A Somewhat More Coherent Update for Everyone, Some Thoughts & A Song

Mother returned from Manitoba today with her friend. They found a really awesome looking place in a smaller city southwest of Winnipeg. It even has a firepit in the back yard.... this will make for a *cough* interesting summer. She also grabbed a driver's handbook for me... apparently it is much easier and also less expensive to get a driver's liscence in Manitoba. That will make for some interesting weekends partying and getting DRUNK in Winnipeg! (haha just joking Mom :-) But in all seriousness, it looks like a wonderful place. However, I will miss everyone here in the Loo and K-Town desperately. I had a good conversation with an old aquaintance on MSN last night who currently resides in Saskatchewan. He was a huge encouragement... he reminded me to acknowledge God's hand in my life, and to learn the lessons that God tries to teach through seemingly tragic events. I guess moving isn't all that tragic... the world is small enough for me to come back and visit on occaision. I am looking forward to learning and growing more and more; please pray that I will go into this time with mind, heart and eyes wide open to see the hand and face of God in every situation that I find myself in. Apparently there is a karate school and a kickboxing club in this new town... although I am familiar with and have adaquete skill in karate, I am rather curious about Muay Thai (kickboxing). Again, it could be an interesting summer.

A special thanks to those who expressed concern at my last post... I'm okay, I was just tired and angry. I was getting a bit keyboard-happy.

An Open Letter to God

Oh God, why does it hurt so much? Why is love painful? Why is it sweet at the same time? Why can't I understand myself, much less you? Why does all this seem so futile right now? I don't get a thing. I feel isolated within my own skull and confused out of it at the same time. Why is this happening to me? Why can't I understand? What to make of it? Oh God, why does this hurt?
Jesus, you suffered the cross and were forsaken by the Father so that when I would suffer, I would not be forsaken. I know I am not forsaken, but in all honesty, it still feels that way. I feel like I'm caught in space, suspended between heaven, earth, and hell itself. And the strangest thing is that I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm still deciding where my heart is. Where are my affections set? What am I living for anymore? I'm still not sure... I am caught in a paradox. Not that this paradox is an altogether bad place to be, but it might not be the best place to spend forever. Oh God, how do I get out? When do I get out? When's the part where you tell me what life is all about and maybe even give me a few hints about how to live it? I feel like I slept through the important stuff that you taught that I needed to know. I'm so utterly confused, disillusioned and generally disappointed with how things go that I don't know what to do with myself. Give me answers, if you're still there.


AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER: This post was written late at night after being told that we have found a house in a different province. I'll write something a little more coherent for y'all later.

Landing in London

I end up stopping whatever I'm doing whenever this song comes on. I don't quite know why. It has a very mournful sound; it's Landing in London, by 3DoorsDown.

I woke up today in London / As the plane was touching down / And all I could think about was monday / And maybe ill be back around / If this keeps me away much longer / I dont know what i will do / Youve got to understand its a hard life / That im going through / And when the night falls in around me / I dont think ill make it through / Ill use your light to guide the way / Cause all I think about is you / Well L.A is getting kinda crazy / And New york is getting kinda cold / I keep my head from geting lazy / I just cant wait to get back home / And all these days i spend away / Ill make up for this i swear / I need your love to hold me up / When its all too much to bear / And when the night falls in around me / I dont think ill make it through / Ill use your light to guide the way / Cause all I think about is you / And all these days i spend away / Ill make up for this i swear / I need your love to hold me up / When its all too much to bear / When the night falls in around me / I dont think ill make it through / Ill use your light to guide the way / Cause all I think about is you

This song has a very mellow and sobering sound. I enjoy it every time I hear it.